Barbie's Dream Retirement House
by Barricade.Boys
Summary: Find out what happened to the Barbies who never succeeded on toy store shelves...


Barbies Dream Retirement House

Deep in the basement of the Mattel headquarters, behind stacks of old boxes and milk crates, sits a large, dusty dollhouse. The roof of the dollhouse used to be a sickening pink, making many a big brother gag, but the dust of decades has faded the pink to a duller shade. No little girl has played with this dollhouse for thirty years, and over time it has attracted many dolls as the perfect place to house retired models...

Hi, Im Nurse Barbie! Lets get a band-aid! Electronic voices stir the air inside the Dream House. Newer models of Nurse Barbies stroll the corridors, going from room to room to tend to the residents. There are many different models living here in the Barbie Dream Retirement House, very few of which even made it to the shelves. Here at the Barbie Dream Retirement House, retired or unpopular Barbie models recieve top-notch care.

Lets go on a tour from room to room. Well visit some of these retired Barbie dolls and learn about their history...

Room 100

A model called Window Washing Barbie resides in room 100. Originally, the doll makers equipped her with a bucket, wash rag, pretend bottle of window cleaner, and a squeegie. As an added bonus, they installed a sound chip that was activated by a button on Barbies back. Such phrases as these were uttered: _They dont pay me enough for this. Im not afraid of heights! Whats up? Twenty more floors of dirty work, thats what! _ and _I think that cute guy down there can see up my skirt._ This last phrase caused an uproar among parents, and Window Washing Barbie was taken out of the hands of little girls and off the shelves for good. She now lives in the Barbie Dream Retirement House, watching Soap Operas all day.

Room 108

In room 108, Bingo Calling Barbie lives, happy to call the bingo games for other retired models who want to play. When first put on the shelves of toy stores, Bingo Calling Barbie came with three bingo cards and hundreds of tiny little chips, many of which were lost, swallowed, and vacuumed. Deciding that the chips were probably a choking hazard, Bingo Calling Barbie was recalled by stores and put in the basement of Mattel.

Room 110

Here lives Gas Pumping Barbie. Although she was sold to several avid collectors and a few hundred girls, she just wasnt the success that Mattel thought she would be. After all, to actually _use _her, a pink Corvette would have to be purchased, and many people considered it extortion, refusing to buy it for their girls.

Room 207

On the second floor, in room 207, a model known as Coal Mining Barbie lives, happy to be free of twelve hours work in the mines every day. However, Coal Mining Barbies experience in the mines gave her a bad case of Black Lung, forcing her to be pulled off the shelves and placed in the retirement home. (She wasnt a huge success with the public, anyway--only two girls from Pennsylvania bought her.)

Room 223

Here lives Disco Dancing Barbie. She was an incredibly popular model during the mid-70s, but her success suddenly ended when she suffered severe head trauma while attempting to slam-dance with a group of Punk Rock Barbies. Perhaps its fortunate for her that she has no memory of the glory days of disco. Since her injury, shes simply been Stayin Alive, Stayin Alive!

Room 234

In room 234, Cigarette Smoking Barbie sits. She was originally designed to encourage girls _not _to smoke, and was supplied with such accessories as a Dont do Drugs t-shirt and Say No to Smoking bumper sticker for her pink corvette. She even coughed and hacked when the button on her back was pushed. But before she reached the shelves, Mattel decided that it was better to just leave smoking and drugs out of the picture entirely. (Note: Surgeon General Barbie says: Smoking can be hazardous to your health! Cigarette Smoking Barbie now suffers from lung cancer.)

Room 240

Our last stop on the tour is room 240, where Burger Flippin Barbie lives. She happily sits among her many mementos of frying patties at the Barbie Burger--her Employee of the Month certificate, her original spatula, an award for Best Burger Flipper, and other things. Burger Flippin Barbie was not very widely known, nor very popular among the people who did know she existed. The only recorded purchases of her are by obsessed Barbie collectors.

note: It is not advised to use soap with Window Washing Barbies accessories. Bingo Calling Barbie cannot really talk. Gas Pumping Barbie: car not included. Burger Flippin Barbies arm really flips the burgers!


End file.
